Defining The Value of Solitude Through Self-Discovery
“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape”
The idea of being alone for many is a daunting concept. The assumed purpose of life in our spiritual dimension is connection, so when we consider how we are impacted by perpetual loneliness the critical nature of this state should be considered. There are those that exist in a state of thriving through solitude. These types of people feel a sense of depth, clarity, and peace when given the opportunity for solitude and maintain this environment consistently for themselves. I am one of those people. Through my own experiences, I have found that my strength lies in being able to recognize how being alone has contributed to my growth in all aspects: spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally. I did not notice until much later into my adulthood how much our society; specifically, our interconnected relationships are focused upon romance, friendships and how we relate to family, but NEVER, NEVER how we relate to ourselves. It has become clear to me how disadvantageous this can be to our personal development. Simply put, it is imperative to develop a sense of self separate from the ideologies, values, and morals of others to reach a true sense of authenticity. One may wonder why this is difficult for most people in our society. This is because part of the human experience implores us to seek validation and acceptance from those in our immediate environments. This is not necessarily a negative desire. This helps us to cultivate our circle of friends and associates. It also helps us to feel a sense of belonging. The harm to development comes from not being able to find the silence of solitude long enough to gain true awareness of ourselves. If we never sit with ourselves long enough to know who we are, we run the risk of having our identity defined by our relationships to others.
A critical piece that we should never forget is balance. We must learn what our personal balance is. Some need more interaction than others (extroversion vs introversion), however intentional solitude is something that we all need to seek no matter what our circumstances are. The lucidity, confidence and trust you develop within yourself is unmatched. I have found that establishing firm boundaries (and committing to them), as well as being intentional about your time spent alone can help to maintain a healthy balance for yourself. Here are few tools I use frequently:
One practice that may be helpful is scheduled meditation and quiet, guided reflection. Scheduling this time into our routines is vital to achieving balance on a daily basis. With many more people working remotely over the last year, our work environments have shifted. We now have more access to the comfort of our own spaces for downtime from work. BALANCE, which is an app that I have been using for months provides guided meditations and customizable plans to support various areas including: sleep, anxiety, grief, creativity and much more. Here is a link to try the app free for a year.
Boundary Setting. Boundaries, as mentioned previously have become a hot topic as the focus on mental health increases in our society. Black Women specifically are often expected and conditioned to over exert ourselves for the care of others. Simply saying no at times when we know we do not have space for others is important. We have to take ownership of where we are and commit to our boundaries as well. For Black Women, due to the “Superwoman” myth, needing time alone from our careers, children and friends can trigger feelings of guilt. However, holding space for ourselves can help us to nourish the relationships with those we love.
In my own experience, romantic connections have been where I have felt most empowered to maintain the strongest boundaries for my solitude. DIPSEA is an app that is developed by women and focuses on pleasure-driven erotic audio stories. The platform is highly inclusive and has a “Black Voices” category for BIPOC. Dating and meeting people in general has changed during the course of the current Pandemic. An intimate and less spoken about topic is how single women are embracing their sexual selves in spite of social distancing and lockdowns. I learned that women-centered erotica helped me develop a deeper intimacy with myself that is much less focused on physical sex, but focused on the entire mental process around it. DIPSEA offers a 7-day free trial. Learn more about the app here.
I invite you to consider how much space you hold for yourself. Contemplate how much time you invest in quiet reflection. Silence and stillness are gifts. Let’s learn to embrace what lessons and guidance they give us.
Follow C. Marie on Instagram @theekikiexperience